Corny, who do you think you're talking to?
If the Semple attorneys don't know who the heir is, who does?
Come on, Corny. I've done you a lot of favors. Who's getting the Semple dough?
You're asking the wrong guy, Mac. I'm only a press agent.
Newspaperman? - Wants to know who the heir is.
Hang up. - Sorry, Mac, l can't--...
Yeah, sure, but I ain't the attorney. - Hang up.
Mr. Cedar is, and l haven't seen him in two days.
Cedar, we gotta deal with the papers. - I'm not interested in the newspapers.
But it's a great story. Somewhere a guy is walking into 20 million bucks.
My first concern is to locate the lucky man.
When l do, you keep the newspapers away from him.
Okay, as long as that weekly stipend keeps coming in.
We located him, Mr. Cedar.
Yes, John, we got him. - Here's the report.
Longfellow Deeds, single, 28, lives in Mandrake Falls, Vermont.
Thank heaven. - Better wire him.
I'll do no such thing. I'm going there myself. You too, Anderson.
You too, Cobb.
Make three train reservations to Mandrake Falls, Vermont.
Where? - Mandrake Falls.
'Welcome to Mandrake Falls...
...where the scenery enthrals...
...where no hardship e'er befalls.
Welcome to Mandrake Falls.'
That's pretty.
You're sure he lives in this town? - This is the town, all right.
Well, I hope it's not a wild goose chase.
No, sir, we checked it thoroughly. He lives here, all right.
l spy a native. Let's ask him.
Good morning. - Morning, neighbors, morning.
That's an excellent start. At least we've broken the ice.
Do you know a fellow by the name of Longfellow Deeds?
Deeds? Yes, sir. Yes, indeedy.
Everyone knows Deeds.
Must be a game he's playing.
We'd like to get in touch with him.
Who's that? - Deeds. Who do you think?
Oh, yes, Deeds. Fine fellow. Very democratic.
You won't have no trouble at all. Talks to anybody.
We'd better try somebody else. - No.
Next time he comes out, I'll straddle him while you ask him your questions.
Morning, neighbors.
Remember us, the fellows who were here a minute ago?
Oh, yes, indeedy. l never forget a face.
Listen, pop.
We've come all the way from New York to look up a fellow named Deeds.
It's important. It's very important.
Don't get rough, neighbor. Just ask.
Then please pretend, for just one fleeting moment, that I'm asking.
Where does he reside? - Who?
Longfellow Deeds. Where does he live?
Oh, that's what you want. Why didn't you say so in the first place?
Those fellows don't know what they're talking about. I'll take you there.
If they'd only explained to me what they want, there'd be no trouble.
Oh. Will you come in, please, gentlemen?
Is Mr. Deeds in? - No.
He's over to the park arranging a bazaar to raise money for the fire engine.
Mal, you should've knowed he was in the park.
Knowed it all the time, but they wanted to see the house.
Can't read their minds if they don't say what they want.
Come in, please.
Can l get you a cup of tea? - No, thank you.
Sit down. Sure l couldn't get you a glass of lemonade or something?
No. That's very kind of you.
Are you related to him? - No, I'm his housekeeper.
We'd like to find out something about him. What does he do for a living?
He and Jim Mason own the tailor works, but that's not how he makes his money.
He makes most of it from his poetry. - He writes poetry?
Oh, my goodness, yes. Longfellow's famous.
He writes all those things on postcards.
You know, for Christmas and Easter and birthdays.
Sit down, please.
Here's one. He got 25 dollars for this one.
'When you've nowhere to turn and you're filled with doubt...
...don't stand in midstream hesitating...
...for you know that your mother's heart cries out--...
'I'm waiting, my boy, I'm waiting.''
Isn't that beautiful? Isn't it a lovely sentiment?
Yeah.
Here he is now.
l suggest you break it to him gently. He's liable to keel over from the shock.
They've been waiting a long while.
Who are they? - I don't know.
Mr. Longfellow Deeds? - Yes.
How do you do?
I'm John Cedar, of the New York firm of Cedar, Cedar, Cedar and Budington.
Budington must feel like an awful stranger.
Mr. Cornelius Cobb. Mr. Anderson. - How do you do?
You gentlemen make yourselves comfortable.
Thank you.
Thanks.
New mouthpiece. Been waitin' two weeks for this.
Kids keep swiping them all the time. They use 'em for bean shooters.
What can l do for you gentlemen? - You gentlemen going to stay to lunch?
I'd like to ask you a few questions. - All right.
Are you Joseph and Mary Deeds' son? - Yes.
Your parents living? - Why, no.
Well, Mr. Deeds, does the name of Martin W. Semple mean anything to you?
Not much. He's an uncle of mine, l think.
l never saw him. My mother's name was Semple.
Well, he passed on. He was killed in a motor accident in Italy.
He was? Gee, that's too bad.
If there's anything l can do-- - l have good news for you, sir.
Mr. Semple left a large fortune when he died.
He left it all to you.
Deducting the taxes...
...it amounts to something in the neighborhood of 20 million dollars.
How about lunch? Are the gentlemen staying?
Of course.
She's got some fresh orange layer cake with that thick stuff on the top.
Sure. They don't want to go to the hotel.
Perhaps you didn't hear what l said, Mr. Deeds.
The whole Semple fortune goes to you-- 20 million dollars.
Oh, yes, l heard you, all right. Twenty million is quite a lot, isn't it?
It'll do in a pinch. - Yes, indeed.
l wonder why he left me all that money. l don't need it.
Mr. Cobb here is an ex-newspaperman.
Associated with your uncle for many years, as a sort of buffer.
Buffer?
Yeah. A glorified doormat.
Rich people need someone to keep the crowds away. The world's full of pests.
Then there's the newspapers.
One must know when to seek publicity and when to avoid it.
Cedar, Cedar, Cedar and Budington.
l can't think of a rhyme for 'Budington.'
Why should you?
Whenever l run across a funny name, l like to poke around for a rhyme.
Don't you? - No.
I've got one for Cobb. - Yeah?
There once was a man named Cobb who kept Semple away from the mob.
Came the turn of the tide and Semple, he died.
Now poor Cobb's out of a job.
Sounds like two weeks' notice to me. - Huh?
I've gotten the sackeroo in many ways, but never in rhyme.
I don't mean that. I'll need your help.
That's different, if it's just poetry.
Are you married?
Who, me? No.
He's too fussy for that. That's what's the matter with him.
There's lots of nice girls right here in Mandrake Falls--
Don't pay any attention to her.
He's got a lot of foolish notions about saving a lady in distress.
Now, you keep out of this.
Saving a lady in distress, eh? We all have dreams like that when we're young.
Incidentally, we'd better get started. You'll have to pack.
What for? - You're going to New York with us.
When? - This afternoon, 4:00.
l don't think we've got any suitcases.
Well, we could borrow a couple from Mrs. Simpson.
She went to Niagara Falls last year.
I'm kinda nervous. I've never been away from Mandrake Falls in my life.
Like to see Grant's tomb, though. - I can understand that.
We'll meet you at the train at 4:00.
Congratulations, Mr. Deeds. You're one of the richest men in the country.
See you later. Good-bye. Thank you.
See you later, kid. - Good day, sir.
Did you hear what he said? Do you know how much 20 million is?
I don't care. You sit there and eat your lunch. You haven't touched a thing.
For he's a jolly good fellow For he's a jolly good fellow
Which nobody can deny...
...l can't find him. l looked everywhere. His house is locked up.
Probably had a change of heart. - He wasn't anxious to come.
Here comes the train.
Look. - What?
That tuba player.
Well...
...now I've seen everything.
Good-bye, Mrs. Meredith.
Good-bye, Jim.
Bye, Buddy.
Gosh, l got a lot of friends.
Have a drink? - No, thanks.
Cigar?
No, thank you.
l wouldn't worry if l were you.
A large portion like this entails great responsibility, but you'll have help.
So don't worry. Leave everything to me.
l wasn't worried about that. - No?
l was wondering where they're gonna get another tuba player for the band.
Hello, John. Where you been? - I've been fishing.
Good morning, Mr. Cedar.
Good morning. Where are they?
Waiting for you. - Good morning, Mr. Cedar.
Good morning.
Hello, boys. - Well, what's he like?
We've nothing to worry about. He's as naive as a child.
Close that door.
Get Mrs. Cedar on the phone. - John, what happened?
The smartest thing l ever did was to make that trip.
John, did you get-- - No, Budington.
l didn't get the power of attorney, but I will.
l asked him what he was going to do with the money. What do you suppose he said?
Give it away.
The boy must be a nitwit. - John, you had the right hunch.
John, we can't afford-- - l know, Budington.
We can't afford to have the books investigated right now.
You've said that a thousand times.
What if they fall into somebody else's hands?
It hasn't happened yet.
But half-a-million dollars, my goodness--
Will you stop worrying.
l got Semple to turn it all over to us. And who got power of attorney from him?
All right, then I'll get it again.
Now, take it easy. Those books will never leave this office.
Yokel. Nothing but a yokel.
Your uncle must've been mad to leave all that money to him.
You're as closely related to him as he is, and what did you get?
I say, what did you get? - Stop yelling.
Can l help it if Uncle didn't like me? - l told you to be nice to him.
Ten years we've waited for that old man to kick off.
Then we were gonna be on Easy Street. Yeah, on Easy Street.
It's too late now. You're a nuisance. - That's just what I'm gonna be.
I'm gonna be a nuisance until I get ahold of some of that money.
He's news.
Every time he blows his nose, it's news.
A corn-fed bohunk like that falling into the Semple fortune is hot copy.
It's gotta be personal. It's gotta have an angle.
What does he think about? How does it feel to be a millionaire?
What does he think of New York? Is he smart? Dumb? A million angles.
He's been here three days, and what have you numbskulls brought in?
A half-wit novice could've done better. - We tried--
Am I talking too loud or annoying anybody?
You know Corny Cobb. He's keeping him under lock and key.
Never mind. Use what little brains you've got.
Find out something for yourselves, you imbecilic stupes.
Now get out of here before l really tell you what l think of you.
What was that? - l said you had dirty plaster.
You too.
Thought l could depend on you, but you're as bad as the rest.
Look. l can do it.
What's gotten into you, Babe?
Normally you'd blast this town wide open before letting Cobb get away with this.
He's not getting away with anything.
Babe, get me some stuff on this guy and you can have--...
Can I have a month's vacation? - With pay.
With pay? Leave four columns open on the front page tomorrow.
I'll keep the whole front page open. What are you gonna do?
Have lunch.
The first time l ever had a suit made on purpose.
It's merely a suggestion, Mr. Deeds...
...but if you'll give me power of attorney, we'll take care of everything.
It'll save you a lot of annoyances. Everyone will try to sell you something.
There have been a lot of them already. Strangest kind of people.
Salesmen, politicians, moochers. All want something.
Haven't had a minute to myself. Haven't seen Grant's tomb yet.
Your uncle didn't bother with that sort of thing. He left everything to us.
He traveled, enjoyed himself.
You should do the same thing.
Besides wanting to be my lawyer...
...you want to handle my investments too?
Yes. That is to say-- - How much extra would it cost?
No extra charge. - That's a lot of extra work.
But that's a service Cedar, Cedar, Cedar and Budington usually donates.
Budington.
l can't think of a rhyme for Budington yet.
The gentlemen from the opera are still waiting in the board room, sir.
They're getting a trifle impatient.
l forgot about them. What do you think they want?
Your uncle was chairman of the board. They probably expect you to carry on.
I'll tell those mugs to keep their shirts on and that you'll be right down.
Oh, did you send that telegram to Jim Mason yet?
Jim Mason? Oh, yeah, yeah.
No, l didn't send it. I've got it written out, though. Here it is.
'Arthur's been with the tailor works too long. Stop.
Don't think we should fire him. Longfellow.'
Send it right away. l don't want him to fire Arthur.
Sure, we don't want to fire Arthur.
He was the last baby my father delivered, Arthur was.
You ought to give this matter some thought.
l mean about the power of attorney.
Oh, yes, l will. I'll give it a lot of thought.
There was a fellow named Winslow here a while ago...
...wanted to handle my business for nothing too.
Puzzles me why these people want to work for nothing. It isn't natural.
l guess I'd better think about it some more.
That's that.
You go to an awful lot of work to keep a fella warm.
Yes, sir.
A Mr. Hallor to see you, sir.
Hallor? Don't let him in.
Why not? Who's he?
A lawyer representing a woman. Some claim against the estate.
If he has a claim, we'd better see him. Send him in.
He'll cause you a lot of trouble.
How can he make trouble for me? I haven't done anything.
l told you to take this up with me. - I'm tired of being pushed around.
I don't care how important you are.
Mr. Deeds, l represent Mrs. Semple. - Mrs. Semple?
Your uncle's common-law wife. She has a legal claim on the estate.
Suppose we let the courts decide-- - You wouldn't dare take this to court.
I'll leave it to you.
Would any court not be in sympathy with a woman who gave up her best years...
...for an old man like your uncle?
What kind of wife did you say? - Common-law wife.
On top of that, there's a child. - Child? My uncle?
Yes, sir. - That's awful.
The poor woman should be taken care of immediately.
I'm glad to see you're willing to be reasonable.
If she was his wife, she should have the money. l don't want a penny.
Don't make any rash promises.
Better go. That opera mob is about to break into the mad song from Lucia.
l don't wanna keep them waiting. They're important people.
Very good, sir. - l can't go down like this.
l wish you'd go along with me, Cobb. They're all strangers to me.
What about it, Mr. Deeds? - Huh?
Oh. You'll excuse me, won't you? I'll be right back.
Gee, I'm busy. Do the opera people always come here for their meetings?
Uh-huh. - That's funny. Why's that?
Why do mice go where there's cheese?
I'm led to believe the young man's quite childish.
We won't have any difficulty getting him to put up the entire amount.
After all, it's only $180,000. - Excellent idea.
We're very fortunate the young man is so sympathetic toward music.
He plays the tuba in the town band.
Here he comes. - Good.
The first order of business will be electing a new chairman of the board.
As a sentimental gesture toward the best friend that opera ever had--...
...the late Mr. Semple--...
...l think it only fitting that his nephew, Mr. Longfellow Deeds...
...should be made our next chairman.
l therefore nominate him. - Seconded.
All those in favor? - Aye.
Carried.
Our congratulations, Mr. Deeds.
I'm chairman? - Yes. You've just been elected.
I'm chairman. - Happy voyage.
Right here, Mr. Deeds.
Now, the next order of business-- the reading of the secretary's minutes.
Move we dispense with it. - Seconded.
All in favor? - Aye.
l think they can be dispensed with.
We're ready for the treasurer's report. - Move we dispense with it.
Seconded. - All in favor.
Quite right. Now, gentlemen, the next order of business--
Just a minute. What does the chairman do?
Well, the chairman presides the meeting.
That's what l thought.
But, if you don't mind, I'm rather interested in the treasurer's report.
The treasurer reports a deficit of $180,000 for the current year.
A deficit? You mean we lost that much?
You see, Mr. Deeds, the opera is not conducted for profit.
It isn't? What is it conducted for?
It's an artistic institution.
We own an opera house, don't we? - We do.
And we give shows? - We provide opera.
But you charge-- l mean, you sell tickets?
Of course. - And it doesn't pay?
Impossible. The opera has never paid.
Well, then, we must give the wrong kind of shows.
There isn't any wrong or right kind. Opera is opera.
l guess, but I wouldn't care to be head of a business that kept losing money.
That wouldn't be common sense.
Incidentally, where is the $180,000 coming from?
Well, we were rather expecting it to come from you.
Me? - Naturally.
Excuse me, gentlemen. There's nothing natural about that.
Fire engine.
Gee, that was a pip.
We're gonna have one like that in Mandrake Falls soon, with a siren too.
Uh, where were we?
You see, the opera is not conducted like any ordinary business.
Why not? - Because it just isn't a business.
Maybe it isn't to you, but it certainly is to me...
...if l have to make up a loss of $180,000.
If it's losing that much money, there must be something wrong.
Maybe you charge too much. Maybe you're selling bad merchandise.
A lot of things. l don't know.
You see, I expect to do a lot of good with that money...
...and I can't afford to put it into anything that l don't look into.
That's my decision for the time being, gentlemen.
Good-bye, and thank you for making me chairman.
Gentlemen, you'll find the smelling salts in the medicine chest.
Sorry to keep you waiting.
Those opera people are funny. They wanted me to put up $180,000.
What about it, Mr. Deeds? - l turned them down, naturally.
No, l mean about my client. - Oh.
We'll have to do something about the common wife.
Tails tonight, sir? - Tails?
Why, that's a monkey suit.
You want people to laugh at me? I've never worn one of those in my life.
Good-bye, and thank you, sir.
Good-bye. Wants me to wear a monkey suit.
We don't want to appear greedy. - Huh?
l say, we don't want to appear greedy. - Oh, that.
What are you doing? - Assisting you, sir.
l don't want anybody holding the ends of my pants. Get up from there.
Imagine that. Holding the ends of my pants.
Mrs. Semple is entitled by law to one-third of the estate.
Don't ever get on your knees again. - No, sir.
What'd you say?
Mrs. Semple is entitled to one-third of the estate.
One-third. That's about seven million dollars.
Well, we didn't expect that much.
I'm sure I can get her to settle quietly for one million.
Take up any settlement talk with me in the office.
I'll do no such thing.
That's right. There's only one place you're going, and that's out the door.
You're making a mistake. - Oh, no, I'm not.
l don't like your face.
Besides, there's something fishy about a person who'd settle for a million...
...when they can get seven million.
I'm surprised that Mr. Cedar, who's supposed to be a smart man...
...couldn't see through that.
Now, wait a minute, buddy--
One nice thing about being rich-- you ring a bell and things happen.
When the servant comes in, Mr. Hallor, I'll ask him to show you to the door.
Many people don't know where it is.
No use in getting tough. That'll get you nowhere. We've got letters.
Show Mr. Hallor to the front door. - Yes, sir.
There isn't any wife, there aren't any letters, and I think you're a crook...
...so you'd better watch your step.
I can't hold out any longer.
Lamb bites wolf. Beautiful.
It's only common sense.
I can't hold out any longer either, Mr. Deeds.
Being an attorney for you will be a very simple affair.
You're not my attorney yet, not until l find out what's on your mind.
Suppose you get the books straightened out so I can have a look at 'em.
Yes, of course, if you wish.
But you must be prepared. This sort of thing will be daily routine.
If it becomes annoying, you let me know.
Good-bye, Mr. Deeds.
Good-bye, sir.
Even his hands are oily.
Well, how about tonight? What would you like in the way of entertainment?
Entertainment?
Your uncle had a weakness for dark ones. Tall and stately.
How would you like yours? Dark or fair?
Tall or short? Fat or thin? Tough or tender?
What are you talking about? - Women.
Ever heard of 'em?
Oh.
Name your poison, and I'll supply it. - Some other time, Cobb.
Okay. You're the boss.
When your blood begins to boil, yell out.
I'll be seeing you.
He talks about women as if they were cattle.
Every man to his taste, sir.
Tell me, Walter, are all these stories l hear about my uncle true?
Well, sir, he sometimes had as many as 20 in the house at the same time.
Twenty? What'd he do with 'em? - That is something l never found out.
Hey. You going out?
Yes. Isn't that all right? - No.
You never go out without telling us. - Who are you?
We're your bodyguards.
Oh, yeah? - Yeah.
Mr. Cobb said stick to your tail.
That's very nice of Mr. Cobb, but l don't want anybody sticking to my tail.
Sorry, mister. Orders is orders.
We gotta get you up in the morning, put you to bed at night.
Only it's all right. No matter what we see, we don't see nothin', see?
That's gonna be fun. - Some people like it.
Will you do something for me first? - Sure.
Put that away, slug. At your service.
Would you get my trunk out for me? - Certainly.
With pleasure.
We're your bodyguards. You can't do this.
There he is.
That's him. - That's who?
Get your cameras ready and follow me. - What are you gonna do?
Never mind. Follow me and grab whatever you can get.
It's gonna be the same old thing.
That dame is nuts. - Right.
You fainted.
Oh, did l? I'm sorry.
Can I help you? - No, thank you. I'll be all right.
This is my house.
I'd like to-- - Oh, no, really, I'll be all right.
What happened?
Well, l-- I guess l walked too much.
I've been looking for a job all day.
l found one too. l start tomorrow.
You've been awfully kind. Thank you very much.
Hey. Taxi.
Hey, Stu, follow that cab they just got into, will ya.
Hurry up. Step on it. - Come on, let's go.
Feel better now?
This tastes so good.
Mr. Deeds, l don't know how l can ever thank you.
Tell me more about yourself.
Well, l guess I've told you almost everything there is to tell.
My folks live in a small town near Hartford.
I'm down here alone trying to make a living.
I'm really just a nobody.
Oh, that was so lovely. Thank you.
You were a lady in distress, weren't you?
What?
Nothing.
Waiter.
Has anybody come in yet? - Uh, no. Nobody important.
Be sure and point them out to me.
I'm a writer myself, you know. l write poetry.
Well...
...you've been having quite an exciting time, haven't you?
With all these meetings, business deals, society people...
...haven't you been having fun?
No.
That is, I didn't until I met you. l like talking to you though.
Imagine my finding you right on my doorstep.
Brookfield's just come in. - Who? The poet? Where?
Over at that big round table. The one that looks like a poodle.
Look, there's Brookfield, the poet.
Really?
Pardon.
Longfellow Deeds, who just inherited the Semple fortune, wants to meet you.
Oh, yes. l read about him. He writes poetry on postcards.
Let's invite him over. Might get a couple of laughs.
Getting rather dull around here.
It's always dull here.
I'll get him. - Good.
Mr. Henneberry. Mr. Morrow. Bill.
This is Mr. Deeds and his fiancee from Mandrake Falls.
How do you do, Mr. Deeds?
Nice of you to ask us to come and sit with you.
Back home we never get a chance to meet famous people.
Waiter, a little service here. - Yes, a drink for Mr. Deeds.
l don't want it, thank you. - You must. All poets drink.
Tell me, Mr. Deeds, how do you go about writing your poems?
We craftsmen are very interested in one another's methods.
Do you have to wait for an inspiration, or do you just dash it off?
Well, I-- - Morrow just dashes them off.
Yeah. That's what my publishers have been complaining about.
Well, your readers don't complain, Mr. Morrow.
Oh. Thanks.
How about you, Mr. Deeds?
Well, I write mine on order.
The people l work for tell me what they want, and then l write it.
Amazing.
Why, that's true genius.
Have you any peculiar characteristics when you're creating?
Well, I-- l play the tuba.
How original.
Well, I've been playing the harmonica for 40 years.
Didn't do me a bit of good.
You wouldn't have one in your pocket, would you?
What, a tuba?
No, a postcard with one of your poems on it.
Oh, no. - You don't carry a pocketful with you?
Oh, too bad. l was hoping you'd autograph one for me.
l was too. - Now wait a minute, boys.
Perhaps Mr. Deeds would recite one for us.
That's a very good idea.
Nothing like a poet reciting his own stuff.
How about a Mother's Day poem?
Exactly. Give us one that rings the great American heart.
Yes. Go ahead.
l get the idea. l know why l was invited here-- to make fun of me.
Oh, not at all. - Don't be ridiculous.
Look, he's temperamental.
Yeah? What if I am? What about it?
It's easy to make fun of somebody if you don't care how much you hurt 'em.
I think your poems are swell, Mr. Brookfield...
...but I'm disappointed in you.
l must look funny to you...
...but maybe if you went to Mandrake Falls you'd look just as funny to us...
...only nobody would laugh at you and make you feel ridiculous...
...because that wouldn't be good manners.
Maybe writing postcard poems is comical, but a lot of people think they're good.
Anyway, it's the best l can do.
So if you'll excuse me, we'll be leaving.
l guess l found out that all famous people aren't big people.
Just one thing more.
If it weren't for Miss Dawson being here, I'd bump your heads together.
Oh, l don't mind.
Then l guess maybe l will.
Waiter.
Eureka.
Stop it. Go away, go away.
Step aside.
Say, fella, you neglected me and I feel very put out.
Look, sock it right there, will ya? Sock it hard.
I've got it off my chest. - Oh, listen.
The difference between them and me is, I know when I've been a skunk.
You take me to the nearest newsstand and I'll eat a pack of your postcards raw.
Raw.
Oh, what a magnificent deflation of smugness.
Pal, you've added ten years to my life.
A poet with a straight left and a right hook? Delicious. Delicious.
You're my guest from now on, forever and a day, even unto eternity.
Thanks, but we're going sightseeing. - Fine. Fine. Swell.
You've just shown me a sight lovely to behold, and I'd like to reciprocate.
Listen, you hop aboard my magic carpet-- Thanks--...
...and I'll show you sights that you've never seen before.
I'd like to see Grant's tomb and the Statue of Liberty.
You'll not only see those, but before the evening's half through...
...you'll be leaning against the Leaning Tower of Pisa...
...you'll mount Mount Everest.
I'll show you the pyramids and all the little pyramidees...
...leaping from sphinx to sphinx.
Pal, how would you like to go on a real old-fashioned binge?
Binge? - Yeah, l mean the regain McCoy.
You play saloon with me...
...and I'll introduce you to every wit, nitwit and half-wit in New York.
We'll go on a twister that'll make Omar the soused philosopher of Persia...
...look like an anemic on a goat's milk diet.
That oughta be fun, huh? - Fun? Say--
Listen, I'll take you on a bender...
...that will live in your memory as a thing of beauty and a joy forever.
Boy? Boy, my headpiece.
O Tempora. O Mores. O Bacchus.
Oh, you're drunk. - Oh, you're right.
If we go with him, we'll see things. - I guess we will.
''I play the tuba to help me think.'
This is one of the many startling statements made by Longfellow Deeds...
New York's new Cinderella Man...
...who went out last night to prove that his uncle, the late M.W. Semple...
...from whom he inherited 20 million dollars...
...was an amateur in the art of standing the town on its cauliflower ear.'
'Cinderella Man.' That's sensational, Babe, sensational.
Took some high-powered acting, believe me.
Did it? - I was the world's sweetest ingenue.
Is he really that big a sap?
He's the original. There are no carbon copies of that one.
'Cinderella Man.' That'll stick to him for the rest of his life.
Can you imagine Cobb's face when he reads this?
If we could sell tickets, we'd make a fortune.
How'd you get the picture? - Had the boys follow us.
Marvelous.
'At 2:00 a.m. Mr. Deeds tied up traffic...
...while he fed a bagful of donuts to a horse.
When asked why he was doing it he replied...
'To see how many donuts the horse would eat before he asked for some coffee.''
Beautiful. What happened after that?
l don't know. l had to write the story. He was so drunk he never even missed me.
When are you gonna see him again?
Tonight, maybe.
I'll phone him at noon-- my lunch hour.
I'm a stenographer, you know. Mary Dawson.
You're a genius, Babe, a genius.
I even moved into MabeI Dawson's apartment...
...in case old snoopy Cobb might start looking around.
Good. Stay there. Don't show your face down here.
I'll say you're on vacation. No one will know where the stories are coming from.
Stick close to him. You can get an exclusive out of him every day.
We'll have the other papers crazy.
Babe, l could kiss ya. - Oh, no. No.
Our deal was for a month's vacation. - Sure.
With pay. - You'll get it, Babe.
Mr. Deeds, sir.
You really must get up. It's late.
You're Walter, aren't you? - Yes, sir.
Just wanted to make sure.
If you'll permit me to say so, sir, you were out on quite a bender last night.
Bender? You're wrong, Walter.
We started out to a binge, but we never got to it.
Yes, sir.
What's that? - A prairie oyster, sir.
Prairie oyster?
Yes, sir. It makes the head feel smaller.
Oh.
Has Miss Dawson called yet? - No Miss Dawson has called, sir.
She was the lady in distress.
She wouldn't let me help her. Had a lot of pride. I like that.
Oh, l do too, sir.
I'd better call her up and apologize. l don't remember taking her home.
I'd venture to say you don't remember much of what happened last night, sir.
What do you mean? l remember everything.
Hand me my pants. l wrote her phone number on a piece of paper.
You have no pants, sir.
You came home last night without them.
I did what? - You came home without any clothes.
You were in your shorts.
Yes, sir.
l couldn't walk around on the streets without any clothes. I'd be arrested.
That's what the two policemen said, sir.
What two policemen? - The ones who brought you home, sir.
They said you and another gentleman kept going up and down the street shouting...
'Back to nature. Clothes are a blight on civilization. Back to nature.'
Listen, Walter, if a man named Morrow calls up, tell him I'm not in.
He may be a great author, but...
...l think he's crazy, Walter.
Yes, sir.
Oh, by the way, did you--...
The knee. - But how will l put on the slipper, sir?
Yes, sir.
l beg pardon, sir, but did you ever find what you were looking for, sir?
Looking for?
You kept searching me last night, sir, going through all my pockets.
You said you were looking for a rhyme for 'Budington.'
Better bring me some coffee, Walter. - Very good, sir.
Oh, I beg pardon. A telegram came for you, sir.
I'll get you some black coffee, sir.
Did you see all this stuff in the paper?
Arthur wants to quit. - Arthur? Who's Arthur?
He's the shipping clerk at the tailor works.
Wants a two-dollar raise, or he'll quit.
What do I care about Arthur? Did you see this stuff in the paper?
How did it get in there? What did you do last night? Who were you talking to?
And what did you do to those bodyguards?
They quit this morning. Said you locked them up.
They insisted on following me.
What do you think bodyguards are for? - What do they mean by this?
'Cinderella Man.' - Are those stories true?
'Cinderella Man'?
They'd call you anything if you gave 'em a chance. They got you down as a sap.
I'll punch this editor in the nose. - No, you don't. Get this clear.
Socking people in the nose is no solution for anything.
Sometimes it's the only solution. - Not editors. Take my word for it.
If they're gonna poke fun at me, I'm-- - Listen, Longfellow.
You got brains, kid.
You'll get along swell if you'll only curb your homicidal instincts.
And keep your trap shut. These newshounds are gunning for you.
What about this 'Cinderella Man'? - I'll take care of that.
I'll keep that stuff out of the papers, if you'll help me.
But l can't do anything if you go around talking to people.
Will you promise me to be careful from now on?
Yes, l guess I'll have to.
Thank you.
If you feel the building rock, it'll be me, blasting into this editor.
Cobb's right. l mustn't talk to anybody.
Miss Dawson on the phone, sir. - Who? Miss Dawson?
Yes, sir. - Fine. I'll talk to her.
Give me the phone, quick.
She's the only one I'm gonna talk to.
Awfully nice of you to show me around. - l enjoy it.
The aquarium was swell. If l lived in New York, I'd go every day.
l bet you do.
I'd like to, but l have a job to think of.
You'd better keep following that bus.
Keep your shirt on.
Looks like no pictures tonight. - Maybe l oughta get him drunk again.
Got any news? l mean, has anything exciting been happening lately?
Sure. l met you.
What's happening about the opera?
Oh, that. We had another meeting. l told 'em I'd go on being chairman if--...
I'm chairman, you know. - Yeah, l know.
l told 'em I'd play along if they lowered prices...
...cut down expenses and broadcast.
Oh. What'd they say?
Gee, you look pretty tonight.
What'd they say? - Huh? Oh.
They said l was crazy. They said l wanted to run it like a grocery store.
What are they going to do?
Do you always wear your hair like that?
Isn't it a scream? 'Cinderella Man.' The dope.
Like to get my hooks into that guy.
Don't worry. Someone's probably taking him for plenty.
If they were men I'd knock their heads together.
Have you seen the papers? - Uh-huh.
That's what I like about you. You think about a man's feelings.
I'd like to punch the fella in the nose that's writing that stuff.
'Cinderella Man.'
Pretty soon everybody'll be calling me Cinderella Man.
Would you like to walk the rest of the way? It's so nice out.
Yes. - Yeah, let's.
Hey, wise guys, he's getting off.
Come on, pull up to the curb.
Oh, come on. Don't you want to see it?
Well, feast your eyes. Grant's tomb.
Is that it?
Hey, beetle puss.
The tomb.
Well, there you are. Grant's tomb. l hope you're not disappointed.
It's wonderful. - To most people it's an awful letdown.
Huh?
I say, to most people it's a washout.
That depends on what they see.
And what do you see? - Me?
Oh, l see a small Ohio farm boy...
...becoming a great soldier.
I see thousands of marching men.
I see General Lee, with a broken heart, surrendering.
I can see the beginning of a new nation, like Abraham Lincoln said.
And l can see that Ohio boy being inaugurated as president.
Things like that can only happen in a country like America.
Excuse me.
Sorry, Mr. Hopper. Mr. Cedar won't answer his phone.
What's going on in the boss's office? - Search me.
The three C's and little 'B' have been in there over an hour.
l don't want to be critical, but--
Yes, l know. A week's gone by and we haven't got power of attorney yet.
Yes, but you said-- - l can't strangle him, can I?
It's ridiculous for us to have to worry about a boy like that.
Look at these articles. 'Cinderella Man.'
He's carrying on like a idiot. - Exactly what l was saying--
Who cares?
Yeah? - Mr. and Mrs. Semple are still waiting.
Let 'em wait.
They've been in every day this week.
Who are they? - Relatives of old man Semple.
They keep insisting they should have some nuisance value.
Nuisance value? - If not for Deeds, they'd be rich.
Nuisance value.
Maybe they have.
Mr. and Mrs. Semple, please.
How do you do? I'm so sorry to have kept you waiting.
What was my secretary thinking, keeping you waiting this long?
Will you have a cigar, Mr. Semple?
Thanks.
There's Times Square. - You can almost spit on it, can't you?
Why don't you try?
It's breezy up here.
You're worried about those articles they're writing about you, aren't you?
Oh, I'm not worrying anymore.
They'll go on writing 'em until they get tired.
You don't believe all that stuff, do you?
Oh, they just do it to sell the newspapers, you know.
Yeah, l guess so.
What puzzles me is why people seem to get so much pleasure...
...out of hurting each other.
Why don't they try liking each other once in a while?
Shall we go?
Here's a nice place.
Yeah. Anyway, there aren't any photographers around.
You said something to me when you first met me I've thought about a great deal.
What's that? - You said l was a lady in distress.
Oh. That.
What did you mean by that? - Nothing.
Have you got a--
Are you engaged or anything?
No. Are you? - No.
You don't go out with girls very much, do you?
l haven't. - Why not?
Oh, I don't know.
You must've met a lot of society girls. Don't you like them?
I haven't met anybody here that l like particularly.
They all seem to have St. Vitus' Dance. Except you, of course.
People here are funny.
They work so hard at living, they forget how to live.
Last night, after I left you, l was walking along...
...and looking at the tall buildings...
...and I got to thinkin' about what Thoreau said--...
'They created a lot of grand palaces here...
...but they forgot to create the noblemen to put in them.'
I'd rather have Mandrake Falls.
I'm from a small town too, you know. - Really?
Probably as small as Mandrake Falls. - What do you know about that.
It's a beautiful little town too.
Grove poplar trees right along main street.
Always smells as if it just had a bath.
I've often thought about going back. - You have?
Oh, yes.
I used to have a lot of fun there. l loved going fishing with my father.
You know, that's funny. He was a lot like you, my father was.
He talked like you too.
Sometimes he let me hold the line while he smoked.
We'd just sit there for hours.
After a while, for no reason, I'd go over, kiss him, sit in his lap.
He never said very much, but once l remember him saying...
'No matter what happens, honey, don't complain.'
He sounds like a person well worth knowing.
He played in the town band too. - He did?
I play the tuba. - Yeah, l know.
What did he play? - Drums. He taught me to play some.
He did? - Mm-hmm. l can do 'Swanee River.'
Would you like to hear me? - Sure.
Let's see, now.
Way down
Upon the Swanee River
Far, far away
There's where my heart is going ever
There's where the old folks stay
Oh, l suppose you could do better.
Sure. l can sing 'Humoresque.'
l bet you don't even know how it goes.
Sure. You sing it over again, and I'll do 'Humoresque' with it.
You better be good.
l wonder if they want to make it a quartet.
Ready? - Yeah.
Way down upon the Swanee River
Far, far away
There's where my heart is going ever
There's where the old folks stay
All the world is sad and dreary
Everywhere l go
Fire engines.
Fire engine. l wanna see how they do it. Wait for me, will you?
Looks like the evening's not gonna be wasted.
Hello. What do you want?
Captain Deeds, fire volunteer, Mandrake Falls.
Hi, Cap. Boys, meet the captain.
What's the matter, hon? - Nothing.
What's up, Babe? Something's eatin' you.
No, it's nothing.
My unfailing instinct tells me something's gone wrong with the stew.
Don't be ridiculous.
You haven't gotten very far, have you? That's where you were an hour ago.
Let's knock off and go down to Joe's. The gang's waitin' for us.
I can't write it, Mabel. l don't know what's the matter with me.
Uh-uh.
Yeah, she's here. Who wants her?
Who?
Oh, yes. Yes, just a moment.
It's him. Whatchamacallit. The Cinderella Man.
Couldn't sleep. Kind of wanted to talk to you. Do you mind?
No, not at all. I couldn't sleep either.
l wanted to thank you again for going out with me.
Huh?
l don't know what I'd do without you.
You've made up for all the fakes I've met.
Well, that's very nice. Thank you.
You know what I've been doin' since l got home?
I've been workin' on a poem.
It's about you.
Sometimes it's kind of hard for me to say things, so I write 'em.
I'd like to read it sometime.
Maybe I'll have it finished next time I see you.
Will I see you soon?
Gosh, that's swell, Mary. Good night.
MabeI, that guy's either the dumbest, most imbecilic idiot in the world...
...or the grandest thing alive.
l can't make him out. - Uh-huh.
I'm crucifying him. - People have been crucified before.
Why do we have to do it?
You started out to be a successful newspaperwoman.
And then what? - Search me. Ask the Gypsies.
Here's a guy that's wholesome and fresh.
To us he looks like a freak.
Do you know what he told me tonight?
When he gets married he wants to carry his bride over the threshold.
The guy's balmy.
Is he? Yeah, l thought so too.
I tried to laugh, but it stuck in my throat.
Cut it out, will ya? You'll get me thinking about Charlie again.
He's got goodness, Mabel.
Do you know what that is?
Of course you don't. We've forgotten. We're too busy being smart alecks.
Too busy in a crazy competition for nothing.
l beg pardon, sir.
Madame Pomponi is on the telephone. - Who?
Madame Pomponi. She says that everything is all set for the reception.
Don't come in here when I'm playing. - But she's on the telephone, sir.
Get out. The evil finger's on you.
The finger, sir? - Get out.
Stop.
Did you hear that? - What, sir?
Why, that's an echo, sir.
You try it. - Me, sir?
Louder.
You try it. - Me, sir?
Louder.
You try it.
All together.
Again.
Let that be a lesson to you.
Go back to your rooms, both of you.